Conquer the World

Just an eighteen year old girl trying to figure out her place in the world.

It takes time.

As time goes on, I have to try harder to hold onto the memories I once didn’t think twice about. I’ve lost two of the most important people in my life but the one that hurt the most, understandably, was the loss of my dad. It’s creeping close to six years without him in my life and I still can’t tell if his absence has gotten easier to deal with, or harder.

What kills me most is the fact that I can barely remember him. It has been that long. I’m not saying I’ve completely forgotten the kind of person that he was, because I haven’t. I remember his athletic nature, his outgoing character, his sense of humour, and most of all, I remember the love he had for us – his family. The things I struggle to remember are specific memories about him. I can only remember a couple of things. One was the last time I saw him smile, the last time I would ever see happiness on his face.

I don’t remember his voice. I don’t remember his laugh. I don’t remember how it felt to have him around. And it hurts. So much. But if I’ve learnt anything, it’s that life doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. It is up to us to learn how to continue living. It’s been six years and I’m still learning. How long it will take, I don’t know.

What do I want?

It’s hard trying to figure out life when you don’t have the smallest idea of what’s going on. Just recently I was confronted with a really big decision in life, something I never thought I would have to consider at such a young age. It really made me think about the future and what it could potentially hold. I had to ask myself what I really want. And that’s one of the hardest questions in life because I really just don’t know. What made it even more daunting was that this decision I had to make (still have to make) involved another person and for that reason, I have to be 100% sure. 

But here’s the thing, I have no fucking clue. 

What do I want out of life? What do I want to become? Where am I headed? 

These are some of the biggest questions I’ve been trying to answer since I don’t even know when. I’m still trying to figure out myself and what I want or need. And then he came along and made me question everything all over again. But this time it was about things I hadn’t thought about properly before. I was confused – still am actually. Scared too. Scared because the decision I need to make is one I intend to stand by my whole life. But I’m only eighteen and I don’t know if I’m ready to decide now. 

One Step At A Time

Looking back, I now realise how far I have come and how I have grown as a person. I still remember back in year 9 I had to stand up at the front of the class for a presentation (or a speech – something like that) and I was so overwhelmed. I opened my mouth to speak and all of a sudden I felt terribly warm, too warm. I was breathless, struggling to get the words out. I couldn’t keep still. My hands were shaking, making it even harder to read out what I had to say. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, although I wouldn’t look up to meet any. To be honest, now that I look back, it seems almost as if I was having a panic attack right in front of my whole class.┬áConfidence was a big issue for me, in fact, it still is in a way. I used to be a very shy and closed-off person. It was never easy for me to speak in front of an audience, or strike up a conversation with just anyone. It was never a good experience, having to stand at the front of the classroom. I used to dread it, always afraid that people would be able to to see just how nervous I was.

And now here I am.

I stood before an entire auditorium filled with who knows how many people. I stood before such a large number of people, and managed to deliver my words without sweating or shaking or breaking down. Sure I had butterflies in my stomach, but it wasn’t all bad. It was almost exhilarating in a way. The words came naturally, and I felt safe. I walked off stage feeling good about myself, proud that I was able to pull off something I wouldn’t have been able to just a few years ago. Being at this school, surrounded by these people has given me so much room to grow. I am able to do things I once was to able to, things I never would have imagined achieving; like talking to such a large number of people. These past few years have given me the opportunity to learn more about myself, and to be where I am now. I overcame this small, yet significant, fear I had. And just knowing that feels amazing.

Think Happy Thoughts?

It’s very easy to put yourself down. You find any excuse there is to bring negativity onto yourself. What’s hard is picking yourself up, saying good things and being just a little more positive. Well, that’s how I feel, anyway. It just doesn’t feel right though, thinking good thoughts about myself. It feels unnatural – that’s the only word I can think of to describe the feeling. People are always telling me to change my mindset, to think positively, but it’s not quite as simple as that. Thinking positive thoughts seem almost fake; like it doesn’t mean anything, like I’m lying to myself. And so I’m stuck. I’m stuck thinking the same old awful thoughts I always have. They may not be nice or uplifting words, but at least they’re believable.

‘There is nothing in this world that can trouble you as much as your own thoughts.’

It’s a little depressing, but it’s true. For so long I’ve felt like my thoughts are holding me back in life. My pessimistic mindset prevents me from getting anywhere at all. I don’t know if it’s just an excuse, or if it’s actually true, but I believe I could be doing so much better if it weren’t for my negative way of thinking. It doesn’t matter whether I fail or succeed, the words in my head are always the same: I’m just not good enough. And honestly, I have no clue how to turn around and be someone with a little more optimism in my head. Maybe I need a little time, or a push in the right direction, or constant reminders, or something. Whatever it is, I haven’t figured it out just yet.

Start of Something New…

I’m new to this whole blog thing, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I started one. Maybe it would be a good way to keep a (sort of) journal, and keep a record of the various thoughts I have throughout the day.

It took me a while to come up with ‘onegirlswish’. And I don’t know if I chose that because it was the first one I came across one that wasn’t already taken, or because I actually like it. Whatever the case, the question is, what is my wish? I guess I’m still trying to figure that one out. But my blog title does answer it a little. To conquer the world, my world specifically, would be my wish. I want to live in a world where I am happy, happy in every aspect of my life. What exactly that entails, I will work out soon enough, but in the meantime I’ll be here writing about the progress (or lack of) I make towards making this wish come true. And this will also give me a chance to share about some of the parts of my life that I still have trouble talking about, or even just share what goes on in my day.

Until next time…