Conquer the World

Just a nineteen year old girl trying to figure out her place in the world.

Month: August, 2015

One Step At A Time

Looking back, I now realise how far I have come and how I have grown as a person. I still remember back in year 9 I had to stand up at the front of the class for a presentation (or a speech – something like that) and I was so overwhelmed. I opened my mouth to speak and all of a sudden I felt terribly warm, too warm. I was breathless, struggling to get the words out. I couldn’t keep still. My hands were shaking, making it even harder to read out what I had to say. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, although I wouldn’t look up to meet any. To be honest, now that I look back, it seems almost as if I was having a panic attack right in front of my whole class.┬áConfidence was a big issue for me, in fact, it still is in a way. I used to be a very shy and closed-off person. It was never easy for me to speak in front of an audience, or strike up a conversation with just anyone. It was never a good experience, having to stand at the front of the classroom. I used to dread it, always afraid that people would be able to to see just how nervous I was.

And now here I am.

I stood before an entire auditorium filled with who knows how many people. I stood before such a large number of people, and managed to deliver my words without sweating or shaking or breaking down. Sure I had butterflies in my stomach, but it wasn’t all bad. It was almost exhilarating in a way. The words came naturally, and I felt safe. I walked off stage feeling good about myself, proud that I was able to pull off something I wouldn’t have been able to just a few years ago. Being at this school, surrounded by these people has given me so much room to grow. I am able to do things I once was to able to, things I never would have imagined achieving; like talking to such a large number of people. These past few years have given me the opportunity to learn more about myself, and to be where I am now. I overcame this small, yet significant, fear I had. And just knowing that feels amazing.

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Think Happy Thoughts?

It’s very easy to put yourself down. You find any excuse there is to bring negativity onto yourself. What’s hard is picking yourself up, saying good things and being just a little more positive. Well, that’s how I feel, anyway. It just doesn’t feel right though, thinking good thoughts about myself. It feels unnatural – that’s the only word I can think of to describe the feeling. People are always telling me to change my mindset, to think positively, but it’s not quite as simple as that. Thinking positive thoughts seem almost fake; like it doesn’t mean anything, like I’m lying to myself. And so I’m stuck. I’m stuck thinking the same old awful thoughts I always have. They may not be nice or uplifting words, but at least they’re believable.

‘There is nothing in this world that can trouble you as much as your own thoughts.’

It’s a little depressing, but it’s true. For so long I’ve felt like my thoughts are holding me back in life. My pessimistic mindset prevents me from getting anywhere at all. I don’t know if it’s just an excuse, or if it’s actually true, but I believe I could be doing so much better if it weren’t for my negative way of thinking. It doesn’t matter whether I fail or succeed, the words in my head are always the same: I’m just not good enough. And honestly, I have no clue how to turn around and be someone with a little more optimism in my head. Maybe I need a little time, or a push in the right direction, or constant reminders, or something. Whatever it is, I haven’t figured it out just yet.

Start of Something New…

I’m new to this whole blog thing, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I started one. Maybe it would be a good way to keep a (sort of) journal, and keep a record of the various thoughts I have throughout the day.

It took me a while to come up with ‘onegirlswish’. And I don’t know if I chose that because it was the first one I came across one that wasn’t already taken, or because I actually like it. Whatever the case, the question is, what is my wish? I guess I’m still trying to figure that one out. But my blog title does answer it a little. To conquer the world, my world specifically, would be my wish. I want to live in a world where I am happy, happy in every aspect of my life. What exactly that entails, I will work out soon enough, but in the meantime I’ll be here writing about the progress (or lack of) I make towards making this wish come true. And this will also give me a chance to share about some of the parts of my life that I still have trouble talking about, or even just share what goes on in my day.

Until next time…