Conquer the World

Just an eighteen year old girl trying to figure out her place in the world.

Month: March, 2017

It takes time.

As time goes on, I have to try harder to hold onto the memories I once didn’t think twice about. I’ve lost two of the most important people in my life but the one that hurt the most, understandably, was the loss of my dad. It’s creeping close to six years without him in my life and I still can’t tell if his absence has gotten easier to deal with, or harder.

What kills me most is the fact that I can barely remember him. It has been that long. I’m not saying I’ve completely forgotten the kind of person that he was, because I haven’t. I remember his athletic nature, his outgoing character, his sense of humour, and most of all, I remember the love he had for us – his family. The things I struggle to remember are specific memories about him. I can only remember a couple of things. One was the last time I saw him smile, the last time I would ever see happiness on his face.

I don’t remember his voice. I don’t remember his laugh. I don’t remember how it felt to have him around. And it hurts. So much. But if I’ve learnt anything, it’s that life doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. It is up to us to learn how to continue living. It’s been six years and I’m still learning. How long it will take, I don’t know.

What do I want?

It’s hard trying to figure out life when you don’t have the smallest idea of what’s going on. Just recently I was confronted with a really big decision in life, something I never thought I would have to consider at such a young age. It really made me think about the future and what it could potentially hold. I had to ask myself what I really want. And that’s one of the hardest questions in life because I really just don’t know. What made it even more daunting was that this decision I had to make (still have to make) involved another person and for that reason, I have to be 100% sure. 

But here’s the thing, I have no fucking clue. 

What do I want out of life? What do I want to become? Where am I headed? 

These are some of the biggest questions I’ve been trying to answer since I don’t even know when. I’m still trying to figure out myself and what I want or need. And then he came along and made me question everything all over again. But this time it was about things I hadn’t thought about properly before. I was confused – still am actually. Scared too. Scared because the decision I need to make is one I intend to stand by my whole life. But I’m only eighteen and I don’t know if I’m ready to decide now.